It’s not a horror or creepy story. Just want to mention it before you thinking something else.
This is my reflection during a retreat at Lembah Karmel, Cikanyere (“Knowing Your Dark Side” retreat).
A short explanation for this retreat, the purpose is to know-realize our ‘shadow’ – a personality hidden deeply in our unconsciousness and bring it to the Light of God. The main idea is to understand that we have to embrace our whole personality, both the light and the dark..so that we might become complete.
So it was afternoon when we are asked to do “Lectio Divina”. I always excited to do this in a proper condition-silent and calming..because it’s quite difficult to have this condition in my daily situation. During Lectio Divina, we read a passage from Gospel, reflect on it, and finally contemplate on it. The passage chosen was Matthew 7:1-5, it’s about Judging.
I lift my eyes when I saw this passage. “Oh my, this topic again? How many times I should be reminded about this sin? Yes God, I already found out that I had this weakness. What else do You want to show me?” That’s what I thought at the first time. But I believed that the Bible is a ‘magical’ book. You can get different “message” each time you read the same passage. Then I started to read…and try to find a certain verse which interested me.
I read it once, twice, and three times..I was quite unsure because the interesting verse is on verse three. It’s said, “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but don’t consider the beam that is in your own eye?” I reflect on this, trying to figure out what’s the meaning of this verse for me. Then I was urged to imagine the condition. I make a picture in my mind where I had a block in my eyes and there’s a friend in front of me with speck on his eyes. I started to think, “Hey, it’s impossible! With a beam in my eyes, I shouldn’t be able to see my friend’s face!”
Then that’s when the veil was slowly disclosed.
How can I see my friend when my eyes was blocked? Let say that the thing was there..but how could I see when my eyes were covered by bigger thing? How could I see this unseen object? Then I was realized that the speck could be only in my imagination. It was my prejudice on others. I judge others without even being able to see them as they are. Then I started to remember many occassions when I had ugly thought to my brothers and sisters. I started to think that this negative thought was bad! I shouldn’t have this in my mind! How could I pursue holiness with this negative thought?
But here’s the amazing thing. As I thought that the negativity is bad, I was reminded about my job. One thing which is crucial in my workplace was to do root cause analysis. In my past experience, doing this analysis would require negative thought-in term of-having an uncertainty to an opinion. The possible cause of an incident could be human error. Thus I couldn’t just believe in what people testify during the investigation. Do this ‘negative thought’ is somehow needed in my daily life! I also remember a verse saying that we have to be as smart as snake but as sincere as dove. So it’s not about the negative thought itself, but it’s about excessive thought following it. This negativity even sometimes could save me from any deceiver, because it always asked, “Is it right? It could be wrong.”
I realize then, this negative thought was popped up many times lately, maybe because I buried it deeply, assuming that it could obstruct me in my journey to the holiness. But I was wrong. God created both light and dark. Each part has its own role. And what God has created-will never be a waste. The problem is I was often mistaken of my “dark” side. Since then I thanked God to give me this mind, with both the positive and negative parts. And I prayed that God would help me to occupy both sides in balance.
After receiving this dark part of mine, I feel that this negativity comes less than before. I could even “patiently tell it” a possible nice things every time it came and gave me negative idea.
Anyway the important part isn’t about what is my dark side (I have a lot of it!), but I was touched by God’s love. He loves us-the whole us, including our pain and weaknesses. And only if we open our heart to Him, we can understand His love more. It’s the most beautiful event, when Someone show you that you are much better than what you’re thinking for so long. That Someone loves you that much, thus He doesn’t want you to feel inferior of yourself-or worse-to hate yourself. He shows you who you really are, that you are created perfectly, as His own image.
So again, when we join a retreat, we’re not suppose to expect receiving something..but expect to let go many things..because in the most inner part of us, He reigns..and He wonders to be found..only after we let go of things other than Him..things that blocking us to see Him, to see Him with our true self..who radiates His image.
May we all be blessed to open our heart receiving His love, to put our ears hearing His greetings, and our eyes to see His image in the form of our brothers, sisters and all creation. God bless you ☺
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