Insecure

Are you insecure?

Jeroboam, the former man whose most of Israel’s people had been given into, was so much insecure so that he betrayed God. On the other hand, Jesus, although He didn’t have much food when He had to fed thousands of people, trust in God and then miracle happened.

Today on the first passage, which is taken from 1 Kings 12:26-32, 13:33-34), it is said that Jeroboam (who was given most of Solomon’s kingdom, as told at yesterday’s reading) make the people of Israel sinned to God. Why? It is because Jeroboam made two calves of gold, and said to the people, “It is too much for you to go up to Jerusalem. Here are your gods, O Israel, which brought you up from the land of Egypt!” (1 Kings 12:28). Therefore he made the Israelites worship another gods than the God of Israel.

The question is, why did Jeroboam made the calves of gold? Hadn’t he had his kingdom? Because he was insecure.

I have some insecurity inside me. To be honest, I was so much insecure. It’s not normal. I got nervous so much when I shouldn’t. For example, when I was in the elementary school, I was so nervous when the teacher called my name for whatever reason. More over when I have to appear in front of the class. I also got nervous so much during sport exams. I got nervous when I walked around the crowd (that’s why I love to go to the mall in early hour when less people were there 😁).

As I grown up, I feel that I am less insecure now. What changed me? God changed me. Later, I learned that I was so insecure because I didn’t know myself and I didn’t know God. I always feel inferior, I think I can’t do things right, and when that thought came, I became insecure. I’m not telling that I am a bold person now. No. Sometimes I still feel insecure. However, it is much less than before.

I think insecurity is a product of lack of belief in ourselves and in God. How can it be? Let me tell you my short story. I believed it was started in my 5th grade when I was in elementary school. I was forced to represent my school in a competition. As I mentioned before, I didn’t enjoy appearing in front of the people. I will be so much nervous and don’t know what to say. It was amazing that the competition also required me to speak in front of people. First I got low score in this part: speech and poem reading. You know, it has been so hard to make myself talking in front of the jury, and they want to hear me read the poem? Everybody in school must know how difficult reading a poem is. So I hope that the competition over soon.

However, it’s God’s plan to make me stay in the competition. I ended being the representative of my city in the province level competition. Everybody shocked. Me either (and more). How can this shy and quiet little girl won the competition? I guessed I must have a very good writing skill😁. So it happened. Even my parents were surprised. They were surprised, but also proud at the same time. It was the first time in my life when people around me show their respect and feeling proud to me. I think it was the way God healed me.

I have to practice a lot for the next competition. Then although I didn’t win the province level competition, there was something amazing for me happened there. Well, the competition was divided into two parts. The first part was about theoretical and writing skill when the second part is story telling. Only 6 top candidates may join the story telling, and I was one of them because I was in the sixth position for the first part test.

So I have to storytell about a picture I let to see for about five minutes. I had to make my idea and story based on the picture. The amazing thing was, after the second part test announced, my grade was increase to the fifth. It’s not affect much, but it made me happy because it means my storytelling is good enough.

Since the competition over, my grade in school was also going upward. I didn’t realize this, but later when I understand, I know it was because my self-projection had been healed. From then, my insecurity become less and lesser. Then as I wrote in the previous reflection, I was often being asked to share in front of the people in my community. And I am happy because what I say may bless others.

I’m sorry if my story is too long. I just want to show you the point if this reflection. When people are insecure, they do things they may regret later. They don’t become their self. They perform less than their true ability. They forget God. Yes, it’s amazing that as my insecurity decrease, I remember God more.

Jeroboam, who was anointed as the leader of Israel, being insecure and so he sinned. He was afraid that people of Israel will come back to King Rehoboam (Solomon’s son) if they go praying to Jerusalem. Jeroboam forgot himself as he forgot God either.

On the contrary, this was happened on Jesus. When thousands of people followed Him, He knew that these people should eat something before they walked back to their home (no cars at that time). But the fact was they had not enough food for all the people. Here was what Jesus do. He collected the available loaves and fish, then He thanked God, and after that He shared the loaves and fishes that miraculously were more than enough for everyone there. How can He did that? Well, because He knew Himself and He believes God.

Jesus know who He is. He also believes that God will not let those people died starving on their way back home. Jesus believes on God’s love on those people and He believes God may work on Him.

My dear friend, let’s learn to believe that God is a Loving God. God wants the best for our lives. I know there are many challenges, problems, and threat in the world these days. However, don’t let those things make us insecure. Try to give thanks every day, even for  small things and ordinary things you have.  You can breathe, walk, eat, urinate,  you have your family, friends..there are many things you can be thankful for. Being thankful is helping a lot to reduce insecurity. Then when you feel insecure, pray, thank God for what you’ve already had, and ask for God’s guidance and help. Don’t act as your own. It may mislead you to the wrong direction.

If God can transform me into who I am now, I believe that God can transform any other insecurity into boldness. Believe in God and believe on yourself.

May God equipped us with more faith and blessings so that we can overcome the insecurity on us. God bless you 😊.

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